Genesis 3

And now we get to God's first asshole move. Now, tradition states (and I say tradition because I have found it nowhere in the Bible) that the garden of Eden was a deathless state. Nothing died of old age or wounds or what have you. Carnivores didn't even carn.

Into this world steps God and he places a tree in about the middle. He then tells Adam and Eve, and I quote, "You shall not eat it or even touch it, lest you die."

Think about this for a moment.

There is no death in the Garden of Eden. So this is kind of like me walking up to my wife and saying, "Do not touch my bagel, or you will uggle." She had no fucking clue what 'uggle' means. She can infer that it's something bad by my phrasing, but I'm far from specific.

Yeah, yeah, I know. "That's not the point, Zach! They were supposed to obey God and not touch the damn tree!" But look at it this way. Your parents ever threaten to beat you black and blue and then not deliver? Like, instead of not being able to sit down for a week, all you got was a stern talking to? Didn't you begin to start not completely trust your parents when they said something?

So, God's put this tree there and told Adam and Eve that if they screw with it something less-than-good-but-unspecific will happen and leaves them there. And everything's going smoothly until the snake shows up and says that A&E aren't going to die if they eat the fruit, they will instead be "like unto gods" knowing the difference between good and evil.

I have heard arguments that the snake was correct 'cause A&E didn't die as soon as they ate the fruit. In fact, it took a long damn time. And their eyes were opened because the first thing they did was realize they were naked and clothe themselves in fig leaves.

And God got pissed off and chucked them out of the Garden and put an angel at the door to stop them from going back in.

All in all, asshole move. Just a little.